We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
