last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
