I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Too much gin, very little bucket
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
