Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
