ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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