I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
