john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
