Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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