It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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