I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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