if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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