I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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