I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
