I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
