What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize