So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
