I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
birth control should be required to get into college
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize