I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
