Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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