youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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