Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
