Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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