Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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