Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
