Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
