so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
