I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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