you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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