i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize