I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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