So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
