Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
