once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize