god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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