he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
