If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
