u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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