he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
