Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
