No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
