i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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