i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
