Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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