The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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