I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
