he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he shaved USA in his pubs
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
