Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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