just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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