I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
