Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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