I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
barbara walters just said penis...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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