Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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