3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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