got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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