Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
