if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
